I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
