history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize