I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
