good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
lol hangovers are for mortals.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
