I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
