You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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