I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
