dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Randomize