That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize