he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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