I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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