you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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