girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
