Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
