he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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