everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
