i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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