you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
