don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
