I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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