So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
