Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
