She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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