If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
