He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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