I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
