i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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