The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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