hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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