Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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