Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize