i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
