there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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