We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
