so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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