bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
