3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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