i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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