Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
