i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I am midnight drunk by noon
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
