May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
