This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
