He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
