Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
