The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
So here I am, sexting at work.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
