Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
