1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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