I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize