my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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