i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
