Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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