If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
