She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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