Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'd cum for enchiladas.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
