New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
