I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
