I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
