i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
