if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I can't put those talents on a resume
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
