Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
