I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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