i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
