I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
