At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
