I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize