I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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