I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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