I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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