I'm passing your future prison.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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