so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
