get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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