I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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